I decided to read “LEGION” based on the trailer because in my humble opinion, the trailer simply…..KICKED ASS! C’mon, it’s hardcore. The evil granny! The angel sent to save us! The unlucky humans trapped in the diner! I’m buying. Throw in the hellacious action as God’s army battles over an unborn child while the fate of mankind as we know it hangs in the balance and I’m thinking, “We’ve got a cult classic on our hands here!” I mean really people, I ask you, what more do you want out of a movie??
However, sad to say, the script does not live up to the greatness the trailer hints at. In fact, the script is so bad, I now look at the trailer as I look at all my past relationships….FULL OF EMPTY PROMISES AND BOLD-FACED LIES!
The scripts opens with the angel MICHAEL landing in an alley. He immediately cuts off his wings, breaks into a gun store and loads up for some serious hunting.
So far, so good. I’m stuffing my face full of popcorn here.
We then cut to the desert where a truck stop diner called the Gas N Grub is located. We meet BOB HANSON, the diner’s owner. His son JEEP HANSON works with him along with a 20-year-old pregnant waitress named CHARLIE and the diner’s cook PERCY WALKER.
A family of three are there eating a meal. A bad boy named KYLE WILLIAMS also pulls in.
Just another day out in nowheresville. Until an OLD LADY walks in with flies buzzing all around her. She’s kind and frail at first but then states that Charlie’s unborn child is going to die. The Old Lady turns demonic and attacks. Kyle Williams shoots her dead.
The problem is, all of this should take about 10-pages. Instead, it takes us 30-pages to get to this point.
That’s half-an-hour of screen time. A half-hour of set-up! People, if it takes you half-an-hour to set up your story, you don’t have enough story to tell. It’s at this point that I’m starting to realize just how many calories are in this tub of popcorn.
Ok, moving on.
The patrons hop into a car and try to get the Hell out of Dodge but a thick cloud of flies swoops down and blocks their retreat. They have no choice but to return to the diner.
They try to make sense of what’s going on. Seizing upon an idea, they decide to check out the old lady’s car and find a trunk full of dead, maggot-infested cats in there. I have no idea why the cats are there and apparently neither do the writers since they are never mentioned again.
Finally Michael arrives on Pg. 37. He gathers everyone inside the diner, barricades it and passes out heavy artillery, stating they’re going to need it. Turns out, God has lost faith in humanity and has sent down Angels to exterminate them.
Michael has disobeyed God and has come to save Charlie’s unborn child. If the child lives, humanity has hope.
So Michael and this ragtag group are our last chance at survival.
And onto our lonely diner, evil descends in the form of……ice cream truck men, football players, businessmen, construction workers. All intent on killing the unborn child.
It is at this point that I contemplated throwing this script right out the window. I mean we’re a good 50 pages into the script here and the writers are giving me……….construction workers???? What the hell????
I plowed onward though because of the trailer. After all, the trailer was jam-packed with action which could only mean that the second half of the script really delivers.
Sadder to say, the first half is the best half. I realize now that my popcorn is stale and that the oil they pass off as butter is making me nauseous.
Turns out, our diner patrons are able to mow down the evil forces (whom we learn are actually possessed by…angels) with their guns. Sure, some of our people get killed but by this point, do we really care?
Okay, after repelling this first attack, our patrons (I kid you not)………sit around and chat. Oh we now learn about their lives now, their pasts, their hopes, their dreams while they wait for another attack.
I don’t know about you but I was under the impression that this was an action film not an episode of Oprah.
A terrified family (MOTHER, FATHER, YOUNG BOY) now pull up and hurriedly try to fill gas at the diner. That’s when the hordes start attacking again. Our group is able to save the boy though, pulling him into the diner. And then, surprise, surprise, the boy turns out to be possessed and attacks them.
Now if you didn’t see this coming, you’re only six years old…and retarded!
Michael is able to get rid of the boy. Charlie gives birth to her son. A horn then sounds out announcing the arrival of GABRIEL. He’s the bad-ass angel that will do God’s bidding and kill the child. The fight is on now.
The biggest problem is, we’re already on Pg.86!!! That’s practically an hour-and-a-half of screen time. An hour-and-a-half BEFORE THE MAIN VILLAIN APPEARS!!!!! You don’t see Darth Vader showing up three-quarters of the way into the movie! It’s here that I swear off popcorn forever.
Gabriel and Michael square off. The action here is substandard at best. Nothing to write home about.
Needless to say, Charlie and Jeep escape with her baby.
Gabriel kills Michael but not before Michael tells Jeep that Jeep’s the true protector.
Charlie and Jeep then blow Gabriel up with a grenade (guess Angels aren’t as smart as humans)
and ride off into the sunset with the brand new baby, ready to take on all challenges, knowing the fate of humanity now rests in their hands.
Here’s a good example of a script that’s “all show and no go.” The premise rocks. The execution sucks which is all the more maddening because the hook is extremely effective. I would guarantee that the film would bomb but I practically fell asleep during “NEW MOON” and look at their box office.
Here’s hoping this script went through about three more drafts before hitting the big screen. I’ll wait for the DVD to find out. You should, too.