LOGLINE: A Corporate Exec, known for firing workers, is convicted of fraud and sentenced to spend a year working for minimum wage.
JIM SEAVER, 30′s. Corporate finance director of OMNICORP. He’s gotten the nickname “Seaver the Cleaver” because he slashes and burns companies to boost Omnicorp’s bottom line.
Everything’s going for Jim. He’s rich, has a gorgeous fiancee (PENNY) and obtains all the perks life has to offer.
In his office, we watch Jim on the phone, shutting down a factory in Mars, Pennsylvania. He could care less about the workers there.
After an expensive lunch, Jim and his Boss (TED) go back to Omnicorp only to find it being raided by the FBI. The Chief Operations Officer is led away in handcuffs. Mortified, Ted hurriedly begins burning discs and files. The company is going down in flames.
Jim is quickly convicted on one count of Fraud and two counts of Conspiracy. Jim is sentenced to restitution which effectively wipes out all his net worth. He is then ordered to hold down a minimum wage job for an entire year. Worse, he has to find work in Mars, Pennsylvania.
The U.S. Marshals take away all of Jim’s possessions. Worse, Penny leaves Jim. She can’t be with someone who’s broke.
Jim settles down in Mars, Pennsylvania. He meets with SGT. JONES who gives Jim a new identity – JAMAL JEFFERSON. The Sgt explains that if this town realizes he was Seaver the Cleaver, they’d murder him.
Jim finds a dingy motel to stay in and is promptly robbed and beat up.
Jim requires stitches. While at the hospital, he meets DR. JEN. She patches Jim up. There’s a spark here. Jim is charged $2,486 for this ER visit.
Jim takes up resident with LOU and MARYLOU. They live in a double-wide trailer. They let Jim stay in their shed.
Jim accidentally causes the shed to blow up.
Lou and Marylou let Jim bunk with their 11-yr old son HANK.
Jim tries to find a job. Works at an espresso bar, hardware store, donut shop. He can’t handle any of them. He finally finds work at Flippy’s burgers. He’s hired by HELEN, 50′s – tough biker chick. Jim realizes Mars is full of losers.
Jim accidentally causes a fire at Flippy’s and has to return to the hospital. We learn that Dr. Jen is actually a nurse. She’s going to leave for medical school. Jim asks Dr. Jen out but gets turned down.
Jim doesn’t have the $1.35 needed to ride the bus back home.
Jim gets his first Flippy’s paycheck – $278.42 for two weeks of work. Jim quickly calculates that after rent, bus fare and living expenses, he’ll actually owe $2,186 at the end of the year.
Jim learns that all of his co-workers at Flippy’s used to work at the factory that Jim shut down. Jim also learns that all of his co-workers now hold multiple jobs to make ends meet.
Jim learns that Lou and Marylou live in this trailer because they lost their jobs as well.
Jim sees Dr. Jen at the grocery store and asks her out again. She relents and they set up a date to go to the movies on friday. She warns him though that it’s not a date and that she is not looking for a relationship whatsoever.
Jim is excited but depressed at the same time since he can’t afford to take Dr. Jen anywhere.
Jim sells blood and receives $30.
Instead of going to the movies, Dr. Jen has Jim climb up the water tower so they can see the view of the Allegheny Valley. It’s actually beautiful. Jim realizes there’s a lot more to this town that he thought.
Jim learns that Dr. Jen’s father also worked for the factory but when he got laid off, he got real sick. Dr. Jen stayed in town to take care of him. He passed away and even though Dr. Jen wants to move on, this town needs her medical services badly. She’s all they’ve got. Dr. Jen blames Omnicorp for Mars’ problems.
Jim doesn’t understand Dr. Jen’s plight. He says you have to think of yourself sometimes. Dr. Jen doesn’t understand that viewpoint. She’s a self-less person.
Jim realizes that Dr. Jen will hate him if he reveals who he really is so he lies, stating he’s in Food Industry Consultant.
Jim takes a second job at a warehouse.
Jim and Dr. Jen spend more time together. She confronts him one night about how he never reveals anything about himself. He won’t give her his phone number or take her back to his place. Jim could tell her the truth but knows it’ll ruin whatever chance he has with her so he lies. He states he was on the fast track but decided to take a year off and get in touch with what’s real.
Dr. Jen likes that.
Jim’s working the Flippy’s drive-in counter when Jen pulls up. She’s shocked to see Jim working here. She drives off, angry.
Desperate to apologize, Jim places a whole bunch of flowers up on the watertower spelling out the words “I’M SORRY.” He then pleads with Jen to give him another chance. She’s touched by his act and relents.
Jim brings Dr. Jen to the trailer for dinner. They kiss and Jim starts to realize that even though he’s flat broke, he’s never been happier in life. Mars is looking better and better.
Jim learns that Lou and Marylou didn’t always live in a trailer. They once had a house that’s now in foreclosure.
Jim takes a third job bagging groceries.
Jim’s old boss Ted comes to Flippy’s. Jim can’t believe it’s him. Ted only had to do nine months on a two-yr sentence. Ted comes bearing good news. He’s gotten Jim a job at Pharmatek. As soon as he’s done paying off his debt to society, Jim’s old life is waiting.
Dr. Jen finds Jim’s engagement ring to Penny. She’s blown away. Thinking it’s for her, Dr. Jen states she’s not ready to get married but when Jim leaves Mars at the end of the year, she’s willing to go with him. She’s been stuck in a holding pattern and she’s now ready to move on with her life.
It’s Christmas. Jim settles in the trailer with all his new friends. Jen’s there. After dinner, Jim tells her the whole truth. How he worked for Omnicorp. How he’s been sentenced to do a year here. He explains he never expected to meet her and that she would change his entire life.
Dr. Jen can’t believe it. Jim is Seaver the Cleaver. She is outraged and rushes out. Everyone turns their backs on him.
Jim has nowhere to go. Helen takes him in, revealing she lives in a storage unit. She says after she lost her job at the factory, her husband got sick and all the bills piled up. She’s been living in this storage unit ever since. Jim realizes the results of his actions.
Everyone in town now knows Jim’s secret. They want nothing to do with him at all. He loses all his jobs and his friends.
The year is up. A limo arrives for Jim. A suit is hanging inside the vehicle. Jim just wants to get the hell out of Mars and go back to doing what he does best. Pharmatek awaits.
At Pharmatek, during his first meeting, Jim learns that Pharmatek needs a factory to start producing generic drugs. China is suggested. As is Bangladesh. Jim sees his opportunity and takes his shot: he proposes Mars, Pennsylvania. He states the factory already exists and there’s a willing workforce. GRIMSHAW, the head of Pharmatek is intrigued. He tells Jim to make this work or he’s fired.
Jim rushes back to Mars and gathers the whole town. They’re leery of him. He tells them they have 24 hours to repurpose the factory and prove to Pharmatek that they can manufacture their latest drug.
The town takes a vote. They’re in. Everybody’s on the same page now. They are going to make this happen.
That’s when they realize they have a huge problem. The main belt on the machine is broken. They don’t have much time left and it’ll cost big bucks to fix. Jim takes his engagement ring over to the pawn shop. He’s going to risk everything he has to get this done.
Grimshaw and Ted are on their way to inspect the factory. Jim and the town have to put the pedal to the metal now.
Grimshaw is happy. He’ll give the contract to them on one condition: they all have to work for minimum wage. Grimshaw knows beggars can’t be choosers.
The town is devastated. Still, at least it’s work. They are willing to agree…until Jim tells Grimshaw no deal.
Grimshaw laughs at Jim. Jim then pulls out his ace in the hole. He has other companies lined up in need of a factory.
Jim gets a serious bidding war going. He gets insurance, vacations, benefits and raises for the town. Everyone’s happy.
Jim takes Lou and Marylou to their foreclosed house. There’s a “sold” sign out front. Lou and Marylou are sad. Jim then hands over the keys. He’s bought the house back for them. It’s a selfless act. Jim has grown from this experience and become a better person.
Jim and Dr. Jen get back together and kiss ontop of the watertower.
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Okay, the script can open some doors but it’s not strong enough to close the deal. First things first. It’s supposed to be a comedy yet the laughs are thin here. The script is crying out for more visual humor, more funny lines, more comedic situations.
Take Jim’s plight for example. THE DANGER NEEDS TO BUILD. The comedy should come out of his situation growing worse and more dire. Instead, Jim’s situation has a start-stop effect in this draft. A problem crops up and is then quickly resolved.
Jim needs to get a job – Jim quickly finds a job.
Jim can’t afford to take Dr. Jen out on a date – Jim quickly sells blood and collects the cash to go on a date.
See where I’m going here? The danger never escalates thus, the tension doesn’t build. The writers need to continually elevate the conflict which will strengthen the comedic aspects.
Next, the script needs more “heart.” Take “THE PROPOSAL.” That could’ve easily been a standard run-of-the-mill chick flick but what separated it from the pack was “heart.” It had strong emotional moments that really made you care for the characters and root for them. This script needs more emotional moments.
Do we really care for Jim? Does he have that defining humanizing moment where his situation becomes real for us? I think that’s definitely lacking in this draft.
Finally, strengthen the supporting characters. Make them stand out and then they’ll pay off better in the end. Make them quirkier, funnier. Give them defining scenes. We should be laughing at them. And then when we learn their past and the hardships they’ve faced, we’ll be hit with an “ohhhhhhhhh” moment and we’ll see them differently. Instead of laughing at them, we’ll be feeling for them. Do that and you will win over the audience every single time.
All in all, a good draft which is on the right path but a strong rewrite can make it an outstanding script.